10 years ago
2 Hours Before Descent
Phone set an alarm for his self-destruct mechanism. He was going to need a cop-out if things turned for the worst. He and Roots, his Xenomorph companion, were close to The Doctor’s personal ship, which was floating about a mile away from the site of the mother ship’s landing bay.
To the Narrator’s knowledge (see: educated guess), Roots may have been named after Jim’s fondness for the musical group of the same name. The Narrator only makes this guess because Red’s Praetorian Guards, Wumbo, Thank, and Coco, when shortened to WTC, have the same initials as the Wu-Tang Clan. Do what you will with this information, because none of them are important characters anymore.
Indeed, WTC were supposed to be powerful game-breakers that would have complicated things for both Aliens and Predators. There was this thing about --
What the hell are you talking about, asks Phone. Who, me? Yes, you, Narrator. He demands that I shut the fuck up if I’m not going to talk about the actual story. I call him a buffoon. He asks me what that is. I don’t know, man, but Roots is indeed the most important character in the story. Phone doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I don’t either. Let’s see what the hell I’m talking about.
Roots stayed behind as Phone came within 25 meters of The Doctor’s ship. Phone didn’t know why, but he was gonna miss his buddy.
Roots, I will miss you. You have been like no other companion to me, listening to my feelings and complaints about the Elder Council and what stupid assholes they are. If they knew how many times I had sighed in their general direction, they would surely turn a new heel. Is that how the saying goes?
Anyway, Roots, I bid you farewell, my parasite friend. You and I have known a friendship that transcends races, and we have lived a short but sweet campaign.
Maybe I will adopt you?
No, that is out of the question, even though that IS the question.
Roots, what I am trying to say is…
You know, if perhaps I was a Xenomorph, or you were a high-ranking female Yautja , or perhaps you had a vagina…
Not that I am insinuating bestiality.
Actually, yes, that is exactly what I am insinuating.
Thank Cetanu that no one is actually hearing this conversation. Except the Narrator, that stupid asshole.
Hey! That’s not very nice.
Well, I bid you farewell, my friend. The Narrator says you are the most important character in this RPG, and while I cannot vouch for that fact, you are indeed my very best friend.
Now go and prosper, friend. What is about to happen with Concrete Hunter will be gay as hell.
oh god what the fuck was that asshole talking about
1.5 Hours Before Descent
The one and only. And you are Concrete Hunter.
Well then… Shall we?
Phone injected himself with more convenient power drugs and began messing with his self-destruct mechanism. He had no idea how to use it.
… Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth.
If you strike me down,
I will probably die, but good Cetanu, anything to get away from this wangst. Kill me, you stupid asshole, and let’s get this over with.
The last thing Phone saw wasn’t Concrete Hunter’s blade, but Roots’ face in a conveniently placed window. Roots was smiling.
The jungle went quiet. The Narrator guesses one could say that Phone’s life…
I think I need medical attention.
The Doctor sighed in his general direction.
…Come in. PREDATORv2’s here, before you ask.
Great. Deathdrop should be here too, if that asshole doesn’t get killed by the Predalien.
His father challenged one to a fist-fight. You were there, correct?
Yep. Good times. Old bastard took the same drugs as Phone. By the way, Phone was the evil one.
I gathered. Come.
1 Hour Before Descent
Jim was just around the corner before being cornered by Roots into another corner.
”Goddammit, move it! There’s a huge fucking bitch chasing ME!”
Oh my fucking Cetanu. You have got to be kidding me.
Bloo paused DEAD in her tracks and actually took a step or two backward. Roots – at 3’4” – was hardly the threat that Bloo was implying. Jim was astounded. He sat in the middle of two larger forces yet again, this time with curiosity rather than fear. What the hell is going on? he thought. If only he could understand what they were saying to each other.
You! You bitch! All those years ago!
oh man, you are such a has-been
just give up the crown you blubber-fuddling chicken whip
I can’t, you whore. It’s literally stuck to my head. Get the hell outta here!
what if i say no <33
Jim shook as Bloo began twirling on the ground, probably in… annoyance? What is even going on?
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
hahahaha oh man you should see how you look, it’s no different from all those years ago when you were mommy’s little bitch praetorian
They stood still for a moment, both hunched over with pools of saliva gathering at their feet.
blah blah oh man you really need to get laid or at least stop laying so many eggs
YOU KNOW THAT’S NOT MY FAULT
THEY INJECTED ME WITH CHEMICALS AND OTHER BULLSHIT
MY ASSHOLE WAS STRAPPED TO A FUCKING CONVEYER BELT FOR 700 YEARS
I WAS LITERALLY A LIVING ASSHOLE FACTORY
BUT WITH EGGS
ACTUALLY IT’S THE SAME THING SO BLOO: 1 ROOTS: -1X10^6
This entire time, Jim was looking at Roots. She was a weird-looking Xeno. She was as red as a strawberry, as small as a German Shepherd, and had a crown that you’d normally only see on a Praetorian.
you’re just jealous that firehunter AND mommy always liked me more
admit it, you’re mad that i was supposed to become the next queen after mommy died
she didn’t even want you
it was the nick_kang and angus and ash and ace who dumped you in her royal jelly after kidd killed you
dave and firehunter wanted nothing to do with you
murdered by a silly little monkey
if you knew how many times mommy sighed in your general direction then maybe you’d flip a turn or whatever the fuck the saying is
KIDD IS LONG GONE. DEAD, PROBABLY. I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG HUMANS LIVE. YOU DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING DURING THAT WHOLE BLUBBERING AFFAIR. IT WAS A LITERAL LITANY OF FIRE, AND IT TIED MANY BINDS. IT WAS LIKE YOU WEREN’T EVEN INVOLVED AT ALL. IT’S LIKE YOU DECIDED TO WAIT FOR THE RAIN TO COME OUT BEFORE YOU COULD PLAY.
AND YOU’RE A HUGE BITCH. NOW I’M AN EMPRESS AND YOU’RE STILL A TINY PRAETORAIN. NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY.
no, mommy’s gonna be reborn and i’m gonna be her favorite again, and you’re just gonna die
but this time, all of your shadowy serpents are gonna be too dead to dump your body in a vat of royal jelly
who knows what you would morph into
a queen mother probably
but you’re too stupid for that
OH PLEASE, OLD RED WAS A STUPID OLD HAG AND THE NEW RED IS A YOUNG SLUT WHO’S JUST ASKING FOR IT. LET ME KILL HER AND MAYBE I’LL LET YOU DIE NOT AS FAST.
NOW GO AWAY. I NEED TO KILL JIM AND THE PREDATORS ON THAT SHIP.
WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT GOING ALONG WITH MY SIMPLE PLAN TO SERVE A FEW DOUCHEBAGS A PIPING HOT NUTRITION PLATEAU FULL OF FUCK YOU.
again with the nutrition plateaus
first of all you don’t have nearly as many irons in the fire as you think
and stop using that line, you stole it from another alien
THOSE ALIENS MEAN NOTHING TO ME. THEY’RE PART OF A DIFFERENT HIVE.
ANYWAY – WAIT, WHERE THE FUCK IS JIM?
30 Minutes Before Descent
All this time, Jim had actually already run away. He climbed a tree to get to the open cockpit. Unfortunately, he grunted pretty loudly when he made his jump, which caught Bloo’s attention. Bloo smacked Roots in the cheek, which inadvertently sent her flying onto the ship. Roots peered through the window – her new friend Phone was about to die. She smiled at him, as if to say goodbye.
And then Phone died.
Roots held on for dear life as Jim clumsily piloted the ship toward the mother ship out in orbit. Bloo couldn’t let Red get away.
I CAN’T LET RED GET AWAY.
Somehow, she latched onto the hull of the ship and dragged it downward. It spun around in varying degrees of motion until Bloo was thrown off. She landed on the side of the pyramid. The ship itself made impact with the very tip of the pyramid, creating a gigantic explosion. Flaming metal showered the air, as did the on-going storm of acid rain. What remained of the ship croaked as the metal bent outwards. Red herself woke up and sensed the presence of her predecessor’s Praetorian guard, Roots.
HOLY FUCK. COULD THINGS BE ANY WORSE?
Jim woke up, his clothes and skin steaming from the short-exposure to the acid rain. It hurt him, but the pain was the furthest thing from his mind. “Goddamn, yo. Where am I? Phone? Doc? Where you at? Whoa, hey, I can explain, man. Whoa. WHOA!”
The Doctor held Jim by his throat up against one of the remaining walls. Roots immediately tackled The Doctor – in turn, Concrete Hunter tackled Roots. Roots ran from the crime scene. They decided not to chase her, as there was an even bigger threat looming in the distance.
Bloo’s deathguise seemed to freeze everyone.
”Aw hell nah!”
GOD what a DRAMA QUEEN
Concrete Hunter, that blue Xenomorph… That’s the Queen that PREDATORv2 and I captured. It’s the one that killed Dark.
Bloo noticed that she had finally encountered the same Demon that sentenced her to 700 years of egg-pumping asshole stretching.
Oh hell yes.
She flexed every inch of her fiber to look as intimidating as possible. The wound that FireHunter and DarkLioness inflicted on her side had stopped bleeding some time ago.
Hell. Fucking. Yes.
She couldn’t wait to do to The Doctor what she did to the Dark-Skinned Hunter all those years ago. She couldn’t remember the last time she actually killed something worth remembering.