6 years ago
@Krio: It doesn't matter. "Show, don't tell" is general writing advice. It covers everything from romance to gore to comedy to... Well, literally everything you could write creatively about. If you're writing a gory scene, don't tell us how gory it is; SHOW us. Make sense?
Also, eliminate the exclamation point from your repertoire. Like, entirely. As DW said, unless you're writing dialogue, there's really no need for it to be there. Again: Show, don't tell. If someone gets bashed in the head with a hammer claw (for example) you really don't need to say "He got bashed with a hammer claw!" People will know it's a big deal.
Don't use phrases like "damn bad ass," because frankly, they sound dumb. Sorry, just trying to be honest. On that note, keep swearing to a minimum. Curse words are like any other word. Don't use them unless you need to.
OK, I'm reading this thing, and I'm not sure what you're going for. Is this supposed to be scary? Part of the problem is that the lead character isn't particularly interesting. She's bullied at school, which makes me think we're supposed to feel bad for her, but any pity pretty much evaporates when she slowly and gleefully tortures and murders a bunch of crying teenagers while their parents are tied up in horror upstairs.
I mean, she's the protagonist, right? If we're gonna follow her around and be in her head for nine chapters, there's gotta be a bit more to her. I haven't read all of it, admittedly, but why is she a killer? How did she get this way? Why does she think it's OK? What's her Mother's deal? These questions are a lot more interesting than repeatedly telling us how much she loves killing people.
I'm not saying make her likable. I'm saying make her interesting.
Anyway, I hope you don't feel like we're ripping it apart. All this is intended as constructive criticism.