Destroy the franchise!

Deathdrop, Yautja, 12 years ago

I though this might be funny.

If you had to completly destroy the entire AvP mythos, how would you go about doing it? I mean an absolute RAPE of everything that was ever good about either series.

Don't just make it "lame". Make it look like Plan 9 From Outer Space. Make things so ill-concieved, they make the Newborn seem tame by comparison!

I've got an idea brewing, but I'll wait to see what others have to say first.

the_doctor, Yautja, 12 years ago

well...AvP3 set in space with christrian slater playing a secret clone of ripley that turned accidentally male.

Predators will happen to now be played by real actors in suits (Eg. ron pearlman) or perhaps replaced by "I am legend" standard CGI either way its bad. these new charismatic talking predators turn out to be a super breed that have been ontop of the normal moron predators we've seen before. this happens to explain how preds got tech and that they really do have an intrest in art and the like. its not all killing.

the alien homeworld will finally be shown as actually a fertile forest planet where giant jelly monsters happen to rule with aliens under foot. all aliens will be played by kevin spacey or CGI.

it all results in a male ripley/predator/alien team up against the jelly creatures complete with a hi5 freeze frame ending.....the Ateam theme will also be used in there somewhere to.

its so bad even uwe boll wont direct it.

DeathWraith, Yautja, 12 years ago

AvP 3 takes us back to Fury 161. Wayland-Yutani sends a crew to check on the prisoners. A crew made of a talking dragon (Jerry Seinfeld - just painted like a dragon and with a rubber tail and rubber claws), two anime babes (who can only speak japanese), their translator (Oprah Winfrey), and a mobster who talks with a sicillian accent, played by Danny DeVito.

General plot and epic scenes:
It starts with the spaceship approaching the planet, the crew awakes, they talk, they eat, at the table the mobster (called... Virgil... or something) gets irritated because the girls can't say his name right and bursts out shouting "IT'S VIRGIL!!! VIRGIL, NOT VIRUJILU!!! ARE YOU INCAPABLE OF SAYIN' DAT??" and the dragon *picking his nose* intervenes *takes his finger out of his nose and points at DeVito/Virgil* "Hey don't you flame at them! I'm the only one who's gonna flame around here!" *spits some flames at the ceiling and some bits of concrete fall in the mobster's food*. Virgil says "Thanks fo' ruinin' my dinna'!" , lights a cigar, turns his back and goes to his room. The translator (called... uh... Sofa) shouts "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HOUR IT IS!! HOW CAN YOU TELL IT'S DINNER?? YOU CRAZY LITTLE MAN!!". An anime babe stops her asking her "Daijoubu?". She answers "...daijoubu desu yo" and the dragon says "Let him be, he'll come around..."
EPIC SCENE #1 starts after this. Virgil is shown in his room, looking out the window into space. Suddenly, a predator ship passes by them, heading towards the planet. Virgil/DeVito quickly gets off the bed and runs to the room they were eating in, saying "Somtn's goin' on here and i don't like it one bit!" Just as he finishes the motion tracker beeping sound is heard and a facehugger falls on the table from the hole in the ceiling the dragon had made earlier. The anime babes say "Sugoi!" and start clapping their hands in anticipation, but the dragon says "OH NO!" and stops the facehugger with his right hand as it jumps at his face, then quickly throws it in the air and Virgil shoots it with his Tommy Gun. They stay still for a while, then Sofa says "What the hell was that thing...?" and Virgil says "I don't know... but we aced'em! Let's land this piece of crap as soon as possible!" and they all leave the room without noticing the hole forming in the floor.
Then they finally get to the planet, they land, they get to Fury 161 and when they get to the first place, that would not really be shown in the movie, but at the sight of it one of the anime babes says "Koko wa... Kansasu dewa arimasen!". Then as they continue around there, they find out that the Newborn can put himself back together perfectly because he is a hybrid and can learn everything he sees other people doing because he is very intelligent, so they find everyone dead there. After they meet a few predators and aliens (you get to see Oprah doing some karate), the predators get punched to the ground by the aliens and one of them gets facehugged. Then the preds meet the newborn, one of them says "Want some candy?" and shows him a picture of the little boy he met in Predator 2, then he splashes him on the walls and they leave with the chestbursted predator and that's it for the pred scenes. Shocked by this event, the dragon runs off by himself, thinking he'll go mad! Then he meets the newborn again and spits fire at him, splashing him on the walls, but this victory doesn't last long, as the predalien, who had been watching everything, comes and impales him from the back. Then he lets him go. The barely alive dragon crawls back to the others who were impatiently waiting for him to return with some news (they didn't really know where he went) and tells them to watch out, because the predalien can not only stealth, but shapeshift too. Then he dies. The newborn pulls himself back together again and spits some fire at the predalien, who tries to do the mouth-to-mouth impregnation when he sees his big belly. Eventually they agree that they are both overpowered and become friends. The predalien shapeshifts into one of the anime babes and so the newborn learns to do this too, so he shapeshifts into the little boy he had seen in the picture. The predaliens lures Sofa away from the group and impregnates her, while the newborn goes for the mobster.
EPIC SCENE #2: The newborn, disguised as the little boy goes to Virgil and says "Want some candy?". Then he turns back into the newborn and they start to circle each other. Then the newborn stops and screeches at him. Virgil shouts "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!" and fires his Tommy Gun at the newborn, who spits fire, melting all the bullets before they get to him. Still, Virgil's gun manages to completely destroy the wall behind his adversary. Then the newborn turns back into the little boy and spits fire at the mobster. He runs away, as Virgil slowly falls to his knees burning, screaming "Stella!!! Stella!!" after which he falls down and dies.
After this epic scene, the newborn finds his friend, who was waiting for the 3 chestbursters to come out of that huge belly. When they do come out, the newborn inhales some pollen and sneezes, burning them. Their screams alert the two anime babes, who come quickly to see what happened. at first they splash the newborn on the wall with their awesome guns and powah!!! But then the predalien shapeshifts into an asian guy he had seen earlier and so the girls decide to take them to earth.

So that's it, the predalien and the newborn leave for Earth shapeshifted into the same asian guy, with two anime babes and they live happily ever after. The newborn becomes a cook and the predalien a gynecologist.

Kidd, Yautja, 12 years ago

To destroy the AVP franchise, you must destroy the comics that it was born from. While you guys are out destroying the comics, make another stop and burn every Predator 2 movie for promoting it.

Don't like the idea? Tough. What I just said is basically the truth on how AVP was brought up. -nods-

Deathdrop, Yautja, 12 years ago

Good ides, guys! These are awesome.

For starters, aliens sting different organisms to infect them and turn them into aliens. There is a vaccine that can turn them back, which the Preds gave the humans (more on that later).

The facehuggers are actually an evil species that absorbs the embryo inside the egg so they can implant it into someone's chest (because they're mean like that).

When something gets infected, it will turn into an alien hybrid based on it's own DNA. In other words, we could have shark aliens, bird aliens, frog aliens, etc.

The queens always come out as queens, but once they've been alive for long enough, they become an Empress. Later on, the Empress grows wings and leaves to die (which happens when a giant queen facehugger bursts through her chest).

When the Empress leaves, the oldest praetorian in the hive mutates into a new queen. The other praetorians become carriers and ravagers.

If the facehuggers were somehow removed from the hive, the baby aliens would have a chance to emerge from the eggs and grow into "Stingers", which are small neon pink aliens that, amazingly, sting people to transform them into the hybrid aliens.

Now, you're probably wondering where the Preds come in. The preds who hunt on Earth are actually evil preds who use skulls as money. The rip heads off becasue they give the brains to their masters, the dreaded space jockies! The jockies are lead by the Overmind, which is the evil entity that created the facehuggers and gives the evil preds their orders.

The good preds can have horns, tails, multiple arms, and even spikes. They're the ones who give the humans laser beams, teleporters, antigravity, and the cure for the alien stings.

The only way to defeat the Overmind in for the good preds, the crew of the Betty, a nice alien, and a T-800 left over from the Skynet war to join hands and sing campfire songs around the Overmind, killing it with the power of friendship (awww...).

Written by Uwe Boll, directed by a drunken Ed Wood, animated by the same people who did Dragonball Z.

^ Now that's what I call franchise suicide!

predator428, Yautja, 12 years ago

You know what's really bad? The writter actually wanted the predalien to have the sting ability.

Deathdrop, Yautja, 12 years ago

I heard they were pushing for that as far back as Alien 3. Scary thought, in any case.

However, that's nothing copared to THIS:

Yes, they were actually thinking of making a saturday morning kid's cartoon. The funniest thing is how most-certainly-not-for-kids the Alien movies are. They would have had to somehow eleminate the chestbursting, becasue there's no way they could've gotten away with that.

Little bit of stupid trivia: There was also a Rambo cartoon. Go figure.

predator428, Yautja, 12 years ago

Hey kids! Tired of care free rabbits and hilarious ducks? How about alien creatures raping men, killing women and eating children! Operation Aliens! Today at 8:00.

Hunter_Predator, Yautja, 12 years ago

A Way To Mutilate AvP:

The aliens and preds call it truce for a while and eliminate all humans from earth as a team. Once all the humans were eraticated, they began working on animals, insects, and everything that was living, even plants.

Once earth was baren they began to fight each other. In the end, all that was left was one pred and one alien, the last of each others entire species.

They fight to the death, and at the end all we see is a cloud of smoke where they were. Once it clears (which takes forever for extreme dramatic effect) we see them sitting at a table playing chess and drinking coffee, and talking. Then finally they somehow (unexplained) get each other in a checkmate...?...?...???...??????????????????????

they then get pissed at each other, throw the chess table, get into a fight, another cloud takes forever to dissipate, then we see a human standing there all cut up and worn out between the bodies of the alien and pred. The human looks at the sun dramatically.

The camera zooms out to space and earth explodes, and a monkey comes flying at the camera chasing a buscuit thats eating a pea covered in maggots fighting off cats that were half eaten by a bunch of dogs with peanuts in their ears and fighting off living drum sticks and purple mice...WTF!?

-The End

Lone_Hunter2, Yautja, 12 years ago

the cartoon that there making looks good in some scenes then bad in others...only thing I can think of is get the alien of off that ship from alien to show up and kill all preds and aliens and humans expet one of each... someone else finish it for me I dont really care how.

The-Wolf, Yautja, 12 years ago

I've never seen you so happy here Deathdrop. Kinda said when we are talking negatively about the franchises. I don't want to sound like a stick in the mud to you guys but can't we concentrate on the good of these franchises?

Deathdrop, Yautja, 12 years ago

You're taking it too seriously. If anything, this thread makes the bad parts look good! It's only intended as dumb fun.

The-Wolf, Yautja, 12 years ago

I suppose. lol

Ok, how about the Rock as Dutch's son and Chris Tucker and Chris Rock as Harrigan's younger brothers all team up to fight the Predators which happen to be the AvP Predators in LA again. The Aliens are in the sewers, which happen to be designed like the Ressurection Aliens. Jackie Chan is Yutani's brother and is obsessed with killing an Alien after learning of them from Mrs. Yutani. He meets Chris Tucker, which is one of Harrigan's little brother again.

Thats enough for now. lol

Deathdrop, Yautja, 12 years ago

Yeesh... You're a pro at this...

Here's one:


Oh, yeah. Go ahead and laugh. When the little bastards dam up the Mississippi River, don't come crying to me.

Imagine how easy host collection will be once every southern state is flooded...

Not to mention a guarantee that the government won't lift a finger (unless it reaches Texas).

Speaking of goofy-looking hybrids:

Completly unrelated, but funny nonetheless:

Venom, Yautja, 12 years ago

Leave avp-r how it is..

Deathdrop, Yautja, 12 years ago

^ Ouch, that's pretty harsh even for that movie.

What if the Preds secretly started scientology?

DeathWraith, Yautja, 12 years ago

Heh, how do you know preds don't have scientology anyway...?

BUT what if the green little people wiht the UFO's are actually not aliens, but humans that the preds conducted experiments on, and now they've come back from the future to take revenge and THEY created the space jockeys and the aliens, and their heads are so big because they contain a superfacehugger egg. Also, the humans that were abducted by these green people turn into aliens, but then a virus makes some of them turn into predators and so the green people find out that THEY accidentally created predators too.

Deathdrop, Yautja, 12 years ago

I've actually heard a theory that preds are humans from the future.

02121992, Yautja, 12 years ago

deathdrop where did you hear that theory at?

Deathdrop, Yautja, 12 years ago

It might have been on the Predator: The Hunted message boards, although I can't remember exactly.

TITANOSAUR, Yautja, 11 years ago

a scene with the Alien and Predator getting high. Aliens getting women pregnant and Predators Driving the Delorian Time machine.