3 years ago
At a televised debate between the two main candidates for the Presidency of the United States, a sunburned senile old racist with what appear to be the armpit hairs of an orangutan stretched over his head like some grotesque reverse hairnet stumbles out from behind the curtain like a brain-damaged Vaudeville act.
His suit does not fit. He is a known con artist. His eyes are permanently squinting because he's injected so much Botox into his face that it could survive a nuclear winter. He's utterly incoherent.
This ballsack-textured reality show circus freak, this witless buffoon who thinks all women are his personal dick holsters, this stupid little twat with the personality of a serial killer and the facial expressions of a climaxing baboon...
This final, putrid distillation of everything petty, mediocre or mean in the American national character that has, by some unholy anti-miracle, gotten within a hair's breadth of one of the most powerful jobs in the world, has the BALLS to show up to the debate with the vocabulary of a six year-old and the impulse control of a goose with a firecracker up its ass, having not prepared at all.
This repulsive THING waddles on stage with his gaudy awful tie and his creepy Stepford family, and-with the entire world watching-promptly shits himself. He doesn't seem to be wearing underwear; the liquefied sludge splatters down his pant legs and soaks into the pristine blue carpeting.
His face is covered in cocaine. He drops his shit-filled pants, masturbates for several minutes using orphan blood as lube, and, just as several long beads of thick, oil-black demon jizz sputter out of his cheeto-colored micropenis, he does a nazi salute while shouting "FUCKIN' CUNTS ALL OF THEM UGLY STUPID HA HA LIKE PUTIN YES KILL FUCK THEM ALL YES HA HA."
While all this is going on, the screen behind him is playing a series of home videos in which this evil fuck releases kidnapped black teenagers onto a private island so he can hunt them for sport. The island is a giant flat paved lot with no cover. The teenagers are quadriplegics. He uses a tire iron.
The video ends, and, with his load thoroughly spent at the thought of dead minorities, the abomination resumes his favorite pastime of babbling like a drunk. He promises to build a wall made of Muslims to keep out AIDS so taxes can get rich and lots of people can stop pretending we don't have to find out what it the problem with exports to the military and gay also? Then he stands there drooling for a minute before his mail-order bride lures him off-stage with a wad of money stolen from a charity.
...And then HALF THE FUCKING COUNTRY goes "Yup, seems legit."
I don't. I can't. It isn't. It's just.... Oh my dear sweet fuck.
EDIT: NO, actually fuck this Tumblr "oh I can't even finish my sentence" shit, WHAT THE FUCK? How? How did it come to this? Why now? Why this? Why HIM? Of all the people on Earth, why did it have to be Donald Fucking Trump? No. NO. You are not this stupid, America. You are stupid, but you are not THIS stupid. This level of stupid literally doesn't exist. This is cartoon stupid. This is "Duck Season, FIRE!" stupid.
Actually, no-it's far stupider than that, because Donald Trump is not the intellectual equal of Daffy Duck. Daffy Duck, who I'll remind you is a fictional-ass fuckin' cartoon-ass not real-ass WATERFOWL, is smarter than Donald Stupid Trump, and I would sooner vote for Daffy Duck to be Emperor Supreme of The Entire Goddamn Universe than vote for Donald Shit Trump to be city dogcatcher of a town 3,000 miles away.
This is beyond anything I've ever seen or was even capable of imagining. "Donald Trump for President" would have barely rated as a bad SNL sketch 10 years ago, and now it's actually happening. IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING. There are no words.
It is too absurd even to mock. It is satire-proof. It isn't the bottom of the barrel; it's drilling straight through the bottom, into the ground, mantle, and eventually core of the Earth before eventually burrowing through the other side of the planet AND BEYOND.
If Oliver Stone wrote this election as a screenplay, even lefties like me would criticize him for using a ridiculously cartoonish strawman, because we would understand intrinsically that such an event is too absurd even for fiction.
... And yet here we are. The motherfucker is pure evil, and he has a very real chance of being our next President. I don't even know what to say.
tl;dr: DONALD TRUMP IS A BIG FAT POOPY-FACE!