Hey listen, I was discussing the little nuances of Ripley's character throughout the movies with my dog who doesn't give enough of a shit about anything, but then he noticed that Ripley's hair gets shorter with every movie. Then he knocked over my coffee, which spilled onto an old newspaper clipping I have about George Clooney, which made me think of Up in the Air
, which made me think of the Great Recession in the U.S. Then it hit me: The Alien saga is a metaphor for the economy.
Whenever I get money, my dick seems to grow at least 19 centimeters. Whenever I don't
get money, my hair grows shorter. This is a scientific fact based on other scientific facts, like astronomy and - fuck, ahhh - string theory, because hair is like string, and it travels along your head while it grows, and I don't actually know what string theory is but it has fucking something to do with space, and humans live in space-- well, we don't really live in space, but we live on a planet that's in
space, and MONEY, OH YEAH.
So Ripley's hair gets shorter with every movie and I'm convinced every director up to that point had a big meeting in 1978 and were like "Listen, I don't care about all that other stuff. I don't. I don't care. I don't care at all. Let's let the other guys make that stuff up. What I'm really here for is -
"Ahhh. Hot. But what would be even better is if she had less hair in every movie until she fulfilled my fetish for bald women. We can even add, like, symbolism and shit."
"HOLY FUCK RIDLEY SCOTT THAT'S INCREDIBLE."
"Thank you, James Cameron, director of movies."
"I think that's great too."
"Thanks, guy who doesn't put Alien 3 on his resume."
That's the thing, though - what is that symbolism? Well, I think it's the economy. Like, economics. It's about money.