Deathdrop
2010-04-23 15:41:00
Yautja
I Am The Walrus.
No, not the Beatles song; I am literally a Walrus. I found this computer on an ice-flow one day and began playing with it. Within hours, I mastered the controls. Within weeks, I had learned sufficient English to communicate, and so joined several different forums.
On these forums, I pretended to be a n00b and acted ignorant so people would get all pissed off at each other and patronize me, explaining things as if they were talking to a child. Little did they know, I used Google to expand on the scraps of knowledge they had given me, learning about the world of humans.
With that knowledge came a skill in hacking. I got into the database Carly Simon, learned who the song "You're so Vain" is about. Turns out it was Col. Sanders...
Who also, if you recall, has a secret chicken ingredient. The song is about his refusal to divulge it. Once on this path, I realized I had to discover the secret.
I gradually trained an army of Penguins to read, write, and do math. Finally, I taught them how to build tools, and with that, we set about building several more computers out of Whale bones, shipwrecks, and ice.
Computers are not machines, as the Man would have you believe. In reality, there are Alien embryos inside them that control it's functions and allow it to connect to what you call the "internet," which is really a hive-mind of telepathic beings that forms a psychic landscape of pure information.
In ancient times, this phenomenon inspired the legends of spirit worlds and such. Now, it is subtly directed by The Evil, a being alive for thousands of years under different identities. Hitler did NOT die at the end of WWII; he was, in fact, The Evil, who used nazi machinery he had created to enslave the telepathic aliens and bend them to his will, first through TV and later through computers.
All of these devices emit psychic waves that hypnotize humans into not being able to perceive the information necessary to overthrow The Evil. However, I am not human; I’m a Walrus, and am therefore immune to their hypnotizing waves. My Penguin friends and I will defeat MechaHitler. Fear not.
... Upon further consideration, this should have been in the "My Skull" thread...
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when life gives yoou skittles go around throwing skittles at people and yell taste the FREAKING RAINBOW
