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My aliens story.

ultimate-xeno, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

I've been working on this a little and here's a preview, I would like to know what you think.



"Go! Go! Go! Their right behind us get to medical!" The marines were in a dead on sprint running down the corridor. "It's just around this corner come on!". Ramirez slowed down to a stop "Hey guys hold on a second, I don't think they're after us any more. " Something started falling onto his shoulder, he looked up only to see a black figure above "oh shi..." It lunged down and grabbed him dragging him into a vent above "Ahhhhh! Help me, get this ugly mother off of me!" Seconds later his screaming stopped and blood started dripping out off the vent. "Noooo! James!" Jacobson grabbed him by his arm "c'mon we gotta go!" "No he's still alive, I've gotta help him!" Jacobson turned him around "He's gone alright, there's nothing we can do for him now but get our asses out of here! Now come on!". Beckett shouldered his weapon and gave a shaky nod. They both cornered the hallway and headed into medical, Jacobson quickly turned around and started welding the door shut behind the. "Do you think it'll hold?" Beckett asked. "I have no idea but we're about to find out. Hostiles closing, ten meters, eight meters, five meters...". Beckett got a worried look in his face "uh id hate to to rain on your parade but that's inside the room.". "Yeah I know that, maybe my trackers reading wrong. What have you got?". Beckett pulled up his motion tracker "Yeah, I got the same readings as you." Ah man what the fuck is going on here.". "I've got no idea but we need to figure ..." All of a sudden the vent beneath Jacobson burst open and he got dragged halfway through and quickly managed to shout "Beckett get the hell out of here! Get word to command... Have them send more... Men." Blood started spurting out of his mouth and he disappeared into the floor.

Dronehive, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

Uh... Okay. Several things.


You need to learn how to write paragraphs. You gave us a wall of text.

And you need to stop writing things just as they are. While it may be prose, adding poetic influence is healthy and improves your writing. And read some good authors. Please...


Like, don't write

"The monsters claws drag across his back."

Instead, write


"Black claws slash down its victim's back, tearing apart soft flesh and leaving trails of crimson dripping to the floor."

badapple24, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

well, He definitely brings up some good points, but to be honest. Other than grammatical and a little trouble with description, not terrible... Just work on fixing up some of those issues and you'll be golden

DeathWraith, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

That's actually just a paragraph, not a wall of text at all. I'm not gonna read it because it starts with "their" where there should be "they're".

Dronehive, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

Paragraphs with no spacing are worthless. If you want to write a paragraph, please make it look sexy. Like, Jesus. Do you really want to write something if no one can tell were something begins and ends? I make a point of spacing.



Like this. Spacing makes things readable, digestible, and more enjoyable. You don't have to indent all the time (as TAB doesn't work on AVPU) but at least put an empty line between your thoughts.

FireHunter, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

Be nice guys.

It wasn't bad, but take it as constructive criticism. Read RPG posts in official RPGs, mainly posts by members like Bloo, Deathdrop, DeathWraith, etc. These members are excellent writers and reading their posts can really help you develop your own writing style and skills. Take it from me, most of my writing skill was developed by this site.

Dronehive, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

Everything I said wasn't insulting at all, and can only be interpreted as such. Yeah, its constructive. Hell, I need to work on my prose writing too, so don't feel bad.

IDK, I didn't really enjoy reading it but its not even about me.

-Bloo-, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

@FH: Yeah, that's why I try to not be that harsh in my criticisms. I spent a long time being a shit writer, and it took me a while to get from "Man, I really fucking suck" to "This is fine."

I still have room to improve, but I know that I'm good. Whenever I review someone's writing, that's what I want them to eventually think about themselves.

This writing isn't praise-worthy, I'm not gonna lie. There are spelling and grammar issues, and that's just the tip of the iceberg - what everyone else said is true. But if you really wanna improve, don't stop. Read more, write more. You're gonna read a lot of people who are better than you and you're gonna write a lot of bullshit. But eventually you'll be the one people are looking up to. FH mentioned my writing as something you should look at if you want to improve... but once upon a time, I wrote stuff that looked a lot like your writing. People told me I suck. And I did. You do, too. But you won't always suck. What's already great about you is that you have the willingness to write. Don't let go of that. Keep at it. I can't wait to see what you'll be writing in 6 years.

ultimate-xeno, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

So I need to work on grammar, I think one of you said spelling and paragraphs?
Am I right?

DeathWraith, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

It's a regular size paragraph, Dronehive. Please read more books.


Also FH, while I appreciate the thought, that's actually not true. I suck at roleplaying. A single post is draining for me and I haven't been able to last even one full RPG because of that. My way of thinking is simply too concise and I'm very bad at decorating the action with details. Bloo and Deathdrop are definitely great at it.

Dronehive, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

I read quite a bit, thank you very much. Dialogue should be in a separate space, and there's plenty of room to separate material. K?

DeathWraith, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

Your argument was that it's too long a paragraph, which it's not. I agree with dialogue being mostly separate from narration and of course there's always room for separating stuff, but that is NOT a wall of text. It would have to be at least a quarter of that longer to become discouraging by itself. I advise you again not to get annoyed at things i say because i will notice and start saying them more and more until you lose your mind like Shadowwall and turn into Gollum.

Dronehive, Xenomorph, 9 years ago

Eh, it was hard to read and digest. But I get your point.


Also, I wwasnt offended. I'm just going to point it out if your flat-out wrong (not on the WoT thing, that's fair enough. I mean on the reading thing, because I fucking read alot)